My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.” ”Really?” says Mick, “Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker… well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “These guys have lost the plot!”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. ”Stuff this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, “That guy’s heading for a breakdown.”

I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.