Standing aside glancing upon the rows of bagged greens the lone woman turns to me and asks if she is in my way.
"No, take your time." I'm not at all in a rush, but more than likely I'm just using the canned response for most people trying not to look like a hasty prick during the holidays.
My attention is not focused on what the woman is doing, but just aimlessly staring at my impending task, 2 bags of baby spinach. The thought of just grabbing for the spinach crossed my mind but the proximity of her boobs to the spinach made a snatch and grab way too risky for me even to consider, so I was stuck waiting for any lateral movement as a cue for me to make my move. While I'm not directly looking at what she is doing it becomes clear to me that her shopping ettiquette is quite obscured as the not so subtle sound of plastic bags become increasingly loud and frequent in my ears. I finally decided to concentrate visually on what she is doing, because if I hear one more plastic bag being squeezed I am going to lose my shit. As I raise my head and glance upon her hands I realize that she is giving free massages to every bag of lettuce in the section. It becomes so gratuitous that I start thinking these bags are going to eventually have to testify in court.
"Mixed Greens, Can you please remind the jury where the defendant touched you?"
There is no doubt at this point the frustration is setting in, because I've been watching this close to 3 minutes, but I am so frozen in awe of this obsessive display of salad picking that I don't want to disturb the subject of this rant. The fear of her turning on me and eating my soul also crossed my mind, so I to just let her continue fondling the few remaining bags on the shelf. As she touched the last possible victim I took a 1/2 step towards my destination when she plunged her arm into the shelf like a manic octopus. I actually jumped back baffled at this unpredictable move. My mouth is wide open now observing the woman as more of her arm disappears into the back of the shelf like if she reaches far enough she will be illuminated by some parallel universe of untainted greens. I realized at this point all I wanted to do was kick her in the ass so hard that she ended up in the A-ha "Take On Me" video, which is without a doubt my cue to scram. To my surprise she was gone 15 minutes later when I returned to get my spinach, but the Aura of her DNA on every bag in the area remained.