WARNING! For those of you weaker individuals possessing the feeble Y Chromosome, avert your delicate eyes now as this journal entry contains oozing, gushing, dripping, and bloody topics far too horrific for your wimpy man-brain to handle. Don't believe me? MENSTRUATION! You have been warned, fool!
*ahem* With THAT charming disclaimer out of the way, I would like to discuss my most recent purchase: A Menstrual cup!
Just what IS this strange apparatus? Well, for those of you who are unfamiliar; The Menstrual cup was a medieval torture device used during the late 16th century to force prostitutes to confess to being a witch after- Nah, I'm just messin' with 'ya... It's a silicone shot glass you stick in your tampon shoot.
It supposedly works better than a tampon without the risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome, collects blood for 12hours without leaking and leaves women free to enjoy activities without worry like swimming, jogging and yoga.
I don't do ANY of those things, but I DO bleed heavily during my time of the month and despite using the thickest, super absorbing-ist pad and tampon combinations on the market short of straight out wearing Depends adult diapers, I'm tired of it looking like someone slaughtered a deer in my panties, so I thought "what the heck?" and decided to give it a shot.
Of course there is a risk when inserting ANY foreign object into your body, and I would have liked to get more information first- but the product website I looked at seemed to lack any sort of warnings or side-effects list, and when I tried to discuss the matter with my husband he ran out of the room screaming like I had set him on fire (seriously, what IS it with guys? They can blast away zombies on the Xbox while having "who has the most lethal fart" contest, but if you say the word "period" suddenly you have a room full of 5 year old girls being held hostage by a 6lb cockroach)... SO IT LOOKS LIKE I'M FLYING SOLO ON THIS MISSION!
I chose the Diva Cups Brand. Why? Well, it was the only one I could find locally (Such a picky consumer I am). It's.... interesting. It comes with a little drawstring bag for discreet storage- why they thought a neon purple bag covered in flowers, sparkles and their logo would be discreet I will never know, but I guess that's why I'm not in marketing. It also comes with this cute little Diva cup lapel pin that you can wear like a badge to proudly declare to the world that you have a plastic cup shoved up your twat and you are not ashamed!! HOOHA!
Reading the instructions was a joy in itself (chokes on own sarcasm) I like how first they emphasize that you relax. Yer huh. "Okay Mr. Smith, we're going to begin your prostate exam now... juuuust relaaaax." Next you fold this thing like a friggin' taco then shove it in towards your tailbone. Seems simple enough, right? Oh wait, there's more... THEN they want you to dig your fingers in and rotate the sucker so that the cup opens all the way once it's inside. Huh. Guess they forgot to add "Make sure your finger-nails are trimmed nice and short" back in step one.
Personally, I think they should have waited until they perfected the technology before they put it out on the market... You know, like, design it so that it works more like an emergency inflatable raft: Pop it in, pull the cord and- FOOMP! Instant inflation and hermetically sealed. Oh yeaaah.
So I started the experiment today around 10am... I put on a fresh clean pad (as opposed to a used, dirty one?) So by the time 10pm hits, if all is successful, the cup shall be full and the pad should be spotless. And if all fails.... Well, I guess I'll be writing the next entry from the ER waiting room.
Everyone wish my vagina luck and remember to always be kind to your uterus... even though she's a total bitch.
So, remember I said I started the experiment at 10am? Well, at 2pm I felt like I was leaking, I thought it could just be air escaping and ignored it, but when 5:40pm came around and I had to use the facilities it turns out that the scarlet dam had indeed burst. It’s a good thing I was wearing my Always Maxi Super long , super absorbent with wings- Because that pad was not only completely saturated, but it was ready to burst and leak through (just take the thickest feminine pad you have and run it under the sink faucet until it absolutely cannot hold any more, that was this pad.) Now, keep in mind that this is my 3rd day on my period and I am a healthy 24 year old average female- when I took out that cup as directed, I was careful not to spill so that I could see how much was still inside the cup- to compare how much it could hold before overflow spilled over… IT WAS FULL TO THE RIM!
Let’s see, I started at 10am, and at 2pm I felt the trickling, which means in 4 hours I bled 1 fluid ounce of menstrual blood. Now, I’m no math wiz, but 4 hours is a far cry from the 12 hours Diva Cups boasts.
That same site, as well as countless others, also claim that the average period lasts 3 to 4 days and the total amount of menstrual blood amounts to 1 fluid ounce. And as I have said before, THIS IS COMPLETE BULL SHIT!
I also feel like I’ve been ripped off, I know no one is going to want me to return this thing, but I still feel I should get my money back- piece of junk is ‘effin expensive.
Stick to Tampons ladies!