Have you had the urge to just type - and just let whatever your fingers want to type happen? Well, this will be what I do..... I'm usually a pretty quiet-keep my opinions to myself-shut up and let whoever do whatever as long as I'm not being affected by it. How wrong is that? How right is that? Who really gives a damn? Well, today, me.
Here's my first post....
Has it ever been suggested to you to keep a daily diary of your thoughts? I have. You know, I never believed in that. I thought it was lame - a "sissy's" way out. I always thought I could hold it in, maul it over in my head and in a couple days have it all worked out. For years, this is what I did.
In my teens I started writing poetry. Never thought of it as a way to release my thoughts in a good way. I thought I was having fun then. In later years, I guess I was around 40 years old, I started writing lyrics. I remember a few of my online friends asking to read them. Once they did - I think many of the poems and lyrics scared them. It was a side of me they had never seen - couldn't put the words with me - it wasn't "you" they'd say. What's wrong? "This is so ... soo.....what's the word?" they'd say .... "DARK?" "Dark? me? WTF? No, it wasn't dark" I'd say.."it's just where my mind is at right now...."
This really made me think - dark? How can anyone say I'm a dark writer? No way - I slowly pulled the paper closer to me - and really started reading the words - I read and re-read the words, as if they were not my own. I thought "who the hell wrote this?" Then all of a sudden I balled up the paper and threw it across the room. I screamed "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?" WHY AM I WRITING THESE WORDS? I was embarrassed, scared, worried, and whatever else you can think of - - I just realized I had some deep thinking to do.
I left the paper in the floor for two days - it almost made me sick to look at it. I knew what it said. It was all that I could think of. The third day - I actually picked it up and read it again. This time with a lot less shock and a whole lot more understanding, for this was a period in my life that was different - way different. This was how I was dealing with the pain of loneliness, the disgust of me ignoring all the morals I'd learned through the years, the enjoyment of things I knew my mom wouldn't be proud of me for....This sh*t was playing with my head - BAD. What was I to do? What would you have done?
Lil Ms Goodie-too-shoes (me) said TO HELL WITH IT....and kept writing the dark lyrics - the release of thoughts, anger & pain that were shadowing my life actually was being let go in some weird way. Yes, maybe a little morbid, sick, scary and dark at times - but just getting it out - no matter how I did it - writing, screaming or beating up the tree in the front yard, those feeling of doom were coming out - and making my life much more bearable.
The words I write probably don't have the same meaning to you as to me. You probably took it as written. But on norm, it doesn't have such a simple meaning to me. You'd have to get in my head to understand what I was saying. Nobody gets in my head.....well, nobody but my therapist - but it's all good - she's the one that told me to "write" to start with - I guess she knew me better than I did -—
Thought for the day - "life is not always happiness and sunshine; we need a little rain and sorrow to understand and appreciate the day the sun shines and warms your heart."
Until next post -
may the sunshine warm your heart -