Everyday I put on makeup just so can I can stomach myself. And every time I eat, I wish I could throw it all back up. But I was never good at making myself throw up because I'd have wicked migraines and I could never make myself throw up to stop the constant nausea. I've drowned myself in self doubt, you could see it from the fact I haven't posted a selfie in a while and I haven't changed my profile picture.
I feel trapped in this body. I feel trapped in this depression. I feel trapped in this loneliness. I feel trapped in this condensation of my heart. It freezes and defrosts and leaves me barely alive. I feel trapped in the circumstances of my body. I feel trapped in the unknown of my life expectancy. I feel trapped in the face that I see in the mirror. How did I used to be able to get on without makeup? I feel like I'll never know.
My life is not steering in the direction that I thought it would. I thought that I would be thriving to succeed but with all the loss lately, I'm left stranded. Wondering to myself, does Hayley even miss me at all?
I have a dependency on drinking, shopping and eating. I haven't opened my bible and I'm lost from God's presence. I'm constantly looking for products that make myself feel better. I'm looking for the next deal, the next beauty product to make my eyes look less tired but it's mostly just how I feel.
Even right now, I want something to disconnect for the discontent. Disconnect from the impending doom that I feel. I feel an overwhelming sense of loss, loneliness and I'm just glad Marvin is around.
He's a good cat.
He's my soul-cat.