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Jennifer Ann · , · female · 36 years old · registered for 11 months · last online - today

October 15th, 2016

Other · · 7 comments

Even with as little (nearly no) memory as I have, my past will incrementally catch up to me. It reminds me how far I have come, but also where I still stand. My past is full of vicious slander and I unforgotten words. I have been accused of only remembering the bad, but I do not recall most of that, as others have brought it up. But... When I feel like this, I know the worst of my past accompanies me throughout my day.

Let me share a few things. Firstly, I am diagnosed as bi-polar. I would say a good chunk of my days are spent quite happily. I have a very full life-with every need met and many wonderful people. I mean that- I know the *most* amazing people. But then...the depression trickles in. It starts with me feeling blue, so I buy a new pair of shoes, or a bag of Oreos. (Close the damn screen if you even feel remotely inclined to make a judgmental comment.) before I know it...a couple of months down the line I have maxed out most of my credit cards and I've started drinking-which, btw! I have already cut myself down on that, but gosh the craving is there.

Then the hours at work...the isolation at work...start to become more apparent to me. Is it paranoia? My perspective? Doubt. Doubt., it's real. It is real.

School work, I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm disengaged. It takes so much effort to help the kid with his. I can't...ill do it tomorrow. Tomorrow becomes next week. I'll catch up next weekend. Oh...gosh. I'm so far behind. Will I even pass??

Parenting-we will not even approach this subject.

My family starts asking if I'm reacting because I'm not on medication. ...uh no! I'm fine when I'm not home. That is true...well, it was until this week.

Now I just cry. Can't sleep at night, do not want to exist during the day. Now I'm not happy. Now is the minority of the time.

I will be okay. I know it. Even if my life does fall apart as I feel is imminent. I know I will be okay. But man, even with a new wardrobe, I feel so lost. I feel so far away from security. I'm so afraid and sad. I feel confused. I feel demanding and irritating. Oh gosh, the sense of worthlessness is exhausting in and of itself. And then I feel ungrateful for whining.

I'm okay though. I will be.

I'm fine.

I will be.

October 15th, 2016 05:01

I will tell you a hard thing. The answer to the hole in your heart and life is just one prayer away. It is real, He is viable, and is desperate for you. Love that knows no bounds!


:) thank you for your comment, mtodd. You're very thoughtful, always in your comments. I have attempted religion and spirituality. It is not for me. I need more help than a faith, my faith is based in goodness and hope for the world which I perceive on a daily basis. I hope you are doing well. I think of you and your family often.


I'll go shoe shopping with you.


I'm broke and at max limit unless we are shopping qvc. Can I borrow some money? Haha.


The past is not an indication of who we are now , it s who we were then . Best line for that came from a movie , God doesn't care who we were he cares who we are .If he can forget and forgive , why can't you.?


Because in my opinion God is not a variable. :) period.


God is an externalization of the best and worst of mankind . The principle still stands true.

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