Even with as little (nearly no) memory as I have, my past will incrementally catch up to me. It reminds me how far I have come, but also where I still stand. My past is full of vicious slander and I unforgotten words. I have been accused of only remembering the bad, but I do not recall most of that, as others have brought it up. But... When I feel like this, I know the worst of my past accompanies me throughout my day.
Let me share a few things. Firstly, I am diagnosed as bi-polar. I would say a good chunk of my days are spent quite happily. I have a very full life-with every need met and many wonderful people. I mean that- I know the *most* amazing people. But then...the depression trickles in. It starts with me feeling blue, so I buy a new pair of shoes, or a bag of Oreos. (Close the damn screen if you even feel remotely inclined to make a judgmental comment.) before I know it...a couple of months down the line I have maxed out most of my credit cards and I've started drinking-which, btw! I have already cut myself down on that, but gosh the craving is there.
Then the hours at work...the isolation at work...start to become more apparent to me. Is it paranoia? My perspective? Doubt. Doubt. Then...no, it's real. It is real.
School work, I'm so tired. I'm so sad. I'm disengaged. It takes so much effort to help the kid with his. I can't...ill do it tomorrow. Tomorrow becomes next week. I'll catch up next weekend. Oh...gosh. I'm so far behind. Will I even pass??
Parenting-we will not even approach this subject.
My family starts asking if I'm reacting because I'm not on medication. ...uh no! I'm fine when I'm not home. That is true...well, it was until this week.
Now I just cry. Can't sleep at night, do not want to exist during the day. Now I'm not happy. Now is the minority of the time.
I will be okay. I know it. Even if my life does fall apart as I feel is imminent. I know I will be okay. But man, even with a new wardrobe, I feel so lost. I feel so far away from security. I'm so afraid and sad. I feel confused. I feel demanding and irritating. Oh gosh, the sense of worthlessness is exhausting in and of itself. And then I feel ungrateful for whining.
I'm okay though. I will be.
I will be.