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Jennifer Ann · , · female · 36 years old · registered for 12 months · last online - today

October 20th, 2016

Other · · 7 comments

*smiles ever so sweetly*

*opens mouth*

*closes it*

*gives self pep talk*

Okay. So. Here's the thing folks, you see....I'm just going to spill a whole bunch of random crap out onto the digital page. Please do not take any of these things to be directed towards you, they are not. It is just at myself. Every once in a while I find that I need to be a little more harsh on myself than even usual.

Hold your head straight and look forward, follow my finger as I sweep it from side to side and up and down. How far do I need to move it before you move your head? My fingers are snapping in my own face and doing jazz hands off to the side of my own face, and if my face symbolically represents my life, it is all over the place right now, looking at jazz hands and blinking from snaps. They are nothing more than movements and gimmicks to make me look away from forward. The positive visuals are nice, sitting in my peripheral vision - but those damn awful jazz hands are about to get smashed with a book...

When I was younger, I had a biblical cyst on my wrist. My mom threatened to smash it with a book like they did back in the day. I remember that, I think, in some weird...I know it exists but I'm not certain ...when or how. The few memories I do have are like that.

Don't worry, this post won't get all sappy. I am censoring myself like a magician that sweeps a table cloth from underneath the items on it without them spilling or seemingly moving...oh, but I do lack that grace and they are teetering...don't worry, we'll get through this. Just leave your perspective at the door and take the damn pill! Just take it. It's good. First try is on me. Hahaha. *grins* I'm more wary of you than you are of me. So it's cool *gives you a glass of water to wash it down*

Do you think I actually talk like this? Only in my own head. If you knew me, you'd know that I don't speak like this in conversation outside of my own brain. In my brain, the shit that arises would probably pop your head like some animated .gif. Fo' sho. Sometimes I think if I were able to not filter my words when they were translated into vocalized format, I'd have a much better time conversing and possibly be on some fantastic drugs - legally, of course. ;)

Something I have been considering lately!! I will share. So, I'm diagnosed as bi-polar, yeah? Well. I've been thinking, I, today I could feel the sadness coming on, it was situational - starting last night, my ex contacted me and left me a message with a few jabs about how self-absorbed I am (which I laughed at initially, but it creeps up...things people say to me, about me...) Anyway. Then today, I have spent a good chunk of the day feeling guilty, incapable, helpless, useless and it spirals, I spiral, my thoughts go loopty loop, down, down.....sliding...

Today That's the end. Good night!

Latest change: October 20th, 2016 00:09

I think you need a few sessions with Dr Russ and his soon to be patented " gravity boot and gilded antique rugbeater " treatments . pro bono for you


Hahaha. What the....

Oh I said it. I'm in a cursing type mood tonight. I'm in one of my defiant, ready to curse and be all ...*soothes feathers*


I win


Would you say there is far more turbulence when you're at home with your thoughts than when you face anything outside?


Most of the time it is cyclic to a 24 hour-ish period. My mornings are usually bright and productive. By late afternoon I feel melancholy. Evening and night can be cruel. Now, this isn't everyday. Most days I'm quite happy most of the time. When I wake up depressed, I have to address it. I usually make myself eat healthier, try to socialize, spend time with the kid, get him out of the house, sleep more- sleep is a big contributor of me being able to or losing control of my emotions. If I haven't slept enough for too long, it becomes frustrating because the control I usually maintain flies out the window.


Why do you think sleep plays such a role? I hate to ask an obvious question, but I feel it's not so obvious here..... I know that sleep plays a huge part for me also... i work late nights, then often get jarred awake the next day at 4am for my other throws blood sugar/energy off (especially mine). Do you feel like your brain consumes a high amount of energy thinking or worrying about things?


Hm. I suppose.

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