ATTENTION ALL VIRULENT BREEDERS: I did not choose to remain child free with the express intention of pissing you off, so get over yourselves.

I have all the maternal instincts of a dragon lizard - given a chance, they eat their young (hell, one of my pet ones eats her own eggs). You have children. I am pleased for you. I may think that they are tiresome, demanding, selfish, smelly, screaming, expensive, ungrateful parasites, but that's not important. You love them. They are the centre of your world, your entire reason for existing. Good for you. I can just about cope with the fact that every sentence you utter starts with the name of one of the blessed offspring, or the phrase "my child" - after all, I can always stop listening if I get sick of it. I can just about cope with your bewilderment at finding out that the rest of the world does not regard your little darlings as the centre of the universe (I'm just as bewildered as to why you'd think they'd be the centre of anyone else's universe). But I am sick to death of and WILL NOT TOLERATE WITH GOOD GRACE your vicious, virulent and venomous ranting attacks on me for choosing not to have children of my own. What the hell does it matter to you?

You have chosen to be a parent, and that's your business and your life choice. I have chosen not to be a parent, and that's my business and my life choice. Why the hell do so many of you feel the need to attack me with such a malevolent torrent of abuse for this? You hiss at me, through a face contorted by anger, that I am "not a real woman if you don't want children", that I am "doomed to a life of regretful yearning", and I will definitely become "a shriveled, twisted and vicious old woman driven by resentment and bitterness." (There is also usually mention of cats. Not sure where the cats come into it - some sort of bizarre contraceptive process?) Er, excuse me? "Resentment"? "Bitterness"? So, not like what you, in your blissful maternity, are pouring over me?

What I said was, "I don't really like children and don't want to have any of my own". What you seem to think I said was, "I'm in favour of bashing them to death at birth, selling them for medical experiments or organ harvesting, feeding them to carnivores at the zoo or mincing them up to be sold as pet food." Can you either get your hearing aid fixed, or try to get a bit of perspective here?

Could it be, could it possibly be, that sometimes, when you've been awake for 48 hours with an unsettled baby, whilst your toddler tantrums and screams until he pukes because he's not allowed to continue drawing on the walls with your most expensive lipstick, and your hair is full of cereal and your shirt has milk stains and you can't buy that DVD or book or dress because the money went on more nappies and the new booster seat, and you can't even leave the house without going through a logistical exercise that makes the US deployment to Iraq look like a quick trip to the park, could it be that a tiny, tiny treacherous little voice deep inside your head mutters to you that your blissful maternity is not, in fact, 24-hours-a-day heavenly fulfillment?

If I am missing out on the joys of parenthood, then whacko for you, you will enjoy a contentment that I will never know. Could it be that you, in fact, are the one seething with bitterness and resentment? Do you look at me - body, mind, career, relationship and disposable income unravaged by the brutal realities of bearing and raising children - and somehow feel that my contented child-freedom is an insult to you? Do I remind you of what you've chosen to give up?

If you sometimes miss the freedoms that you had before you became a parent, surely it's perfectly normal to have occasional thoughts like that. I'll bet all parents have such thoughts from time to time (for example, when the lipstick artistry explores new inspirations. And walls.)

I have friends who are parents and they acknowledge what they have given up to become parents - they compare it to what they have gained, and judge it to be worthwhile. They sometimes mention doubts during the most difficult times; but invariably, they say they wouldn't change anything, and they're very happy with their choice. They leave it at that.

So just be happy with your kids. Stop trying to put me down in order to try to make yourself feel better about some of the more difficult aspects of parenthood. Usually, I just let you virulent breeders rant and vent at me - I suspect that I know what motivates your rage, and I pity you. But you are numerous. I'm warning you lot, the next one of you that starts to abuse me simply because I didn't breed, I will let you have it with both barrels - I will rub your nose in it, and you will wish that you'd just crossed your legs and claimed to have a headache.

I hate domestic violence. Of course I do, it’s the right thing to hate. But I really hate it right now, because it keeps happening in apartment #6. It’s not a husband and wife either; it’s a son and mother. She could be his grandmother or aunt, I’m not sure, all I know is she’s very old looking and has little feet. I know this because she leaves her little jelly-sandals at the back door. I’ve only actually seen her maybe once or twice, though I’ve lived here two years now.

I can’t believe those little feet belong to the crazy-yelling-screaming-mad-woman I hear at night. What I hate the most of all is the bone chilling sounds they make. I swear, I think they are torturing each other. It’s not your typical slapping or punching sounds that they make. No, they scream and yell at each other with such intensity, I swear my walls vibrate. My own throat gets hoarse after one of their screaming matches. Each scream goes on for 20 or 30 seconds. This may not seem that long, but you try to hold a scream for 30 seconds… it’s kind of intense! A single wail is a half a minute long and this goes on and on and on. These are not screams; really, these are the stretched out howls, almost animalistic. They make me scared, and my mind starts going to weird places: I imagine they are pulling each others’ finger-nails out with tweezers or giving each other a Brazilian wax.

So I’m here in my apartment, traumatized by the hellish soundtrack playing in the apartment below and inevitably, I begin to relive my own childhood trauma and regress to a frightened eleven year old who witnessed far too much family violence, enough to make her enter adulthood with serious anger management issues. To top it off, they don’t fight in English, so I don’t even get to know what they are fighting about.

I hate that I all I get to know is something is wrong, but I don’t get to know the why, how, who or what of it all. I only hear moaning and yelling and screaming, with no subtitles. That part sucks. I hate that I’ve called the police before, and so have others, and still, nothing has changed.

Obviously, this family has not received what they need, because they continue torturing each other, at lest verbally. (I guess it’s tortuous, though I really don’t know what they’re saying. They could be throwing heavy compliments at each other. Hell, for all I know she could be hard of hearing.) I hate that I feel so helpless and that they are suffering so much. It bugging sucks to not know how to help. What can I do? I hate domestic violence. It makes me feel scared, stupid, confused. And that’s just me, the listener. I can only imagine how they feel.

I saw Mean Girls. It seemed really unrealistic to me. Yes, I did go to public school, but I really had no part in any of the drama. I'm sure it was happening, but I was so clueless and naive that I didn't see it happening. Also, it's possible that the fact that I was not a contender kept me out of the drama of our circles. Right now, at work, I'm a third party participant. I have clients who have beefs with each other and they don't know that I know almost all the members of the drama. It's pretty messy and quite silly. Girls and the rumors they start. Seriously. The most interesting thing is that most of the girls "hate" the other girls just because the boy they like happens to like the other girl. It's rather ridiculous, in my opinion.

These fights have been on my mind for a while. Through a series of events I was reminded of the Salem Witch Trials. I think this is the old school version of mean girls. If you didn't like a girl. If you thought she was going to steal the blacksmith's son from you, accuse her of being a witch and then they'd kill her. Isn't that how Mean Girls works? It's pretty bad. Of course, the girls learn it from their mothers. It's a difficult pattern to break. I wonder, were the Salem Witch accusers all just making stuff up like most girls (and their mothers) do now? At least now, the consequences aren't so...permanent.

Of course, I say this knowing absolutely no history of the Salem Witch Trials. I know they happened, or at least the history books tell us that. Wikipedia will tell us that women who were not subservient to men were often accused and thought to have the devil in them. I suppose many women would be dead today if they kept up that craziness. In either case, I wonder, truly wonder, how many girls in 7-12th grades would accuse a girl if they knew the end consequence would be death. Sadly, I think there would be at least a few that would hesitate and this is a sad thing indeed

Fangs: you have such a way with words. words are your bitches
toki_wartooth: jesus, i'm turning into a soap opera!
Fangs: hang in there...
Fangs: hang in there...
toki_wartooth: don't fucking touch me!
Fangs: ok just stop tossing your bitches at me like that chill.

Help? your asking me for help? I can't help you. you need to get off your lazy pathetic ass and help yourself. You wanna cry and bitch and moan about your pathetic life and your so called whore of a friend? Then don't be friends with her. And for what? so you can put on a fake smile giggle and agree with her but talk shit when her back is turned? If anything she should break her friendship off with you, It would seem yopu only hang with her for status anyway, so you can sink your self into her friends. Are you that desperate? Make real friends and stop bitching just so you can fish for a few stupid compliments from strangers online. Honestly what a shitty human being you are.

Hi Miss Alice
With your glass eyes
What kind of dream
Can you see?
Are you fascinated with?

Stilll
My heart tears
And drifts
Stuck in the patched crevices
Are memories

Hi Miss Alice
With that fruitful lips
To whom does love
Is cast away?
Is lamented?

Already
I spin my words
Feverish tongue
Has turned cold
The song to love
Can't be sung either

Still you do not answer

sorry I didn't write a entry sooner! I went to the doctor last friday, Just for a pap and check up since the last leep. I am still waiting for results, but I am thinking that no news is good news. we will see, or the lab is backed up. It's been a week and a day, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that everything is cleared up, and everything is normal. My doctor said that everything looks ok, but the truth lies in the results! Now i'm just nervous waiting, and i hate that about lab work!