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mark · (), · male · 61 years old · registered since 2007 · last online - yesterday

What Really Gripes My Buttcheeks Together

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We all have them, our little gripes in life. Oh sure, you know there has to be a better way to make a ketchup bottle but, even you can't figure it out. And that's a gripe all in itself. Half the things we think we could improve on in this world usually fall flat on their faces or worse, gets adopted by some other smart-ass (who makes a zillion dollars off your idea), and really screws things totally up. But, you still can't stop crabbing about those things that never change and probably should. Here'sjust a few of mine.

1.) Band-aids. These suckers are impossible to open, especially when your finger is gushing three quarts a minute.

2.) Seat belts. Really? Why bother? If it was that important to stay in a wrecked car they should have made wrap-around seat bags. Hug me, I just had an accident.

3.)Bar soap. (And before you guys start with the dropping soap in the shower routine...just don't...) Clumsy, awkward,hard to use, hard to hold. Solution. Car-wash-style soap injectors. Blast me off, Scotty.

4.) People who say "poo". Come on, it's say Easy, right?

5.)Reverse gear on the car. Completely useless and obsolete if we just built roads in a loop.You got your loop going to work, I got my loop.No more accidents, no more running over people, dogs, cats, deer, opossum, get the idea. Everything goes in one direction, one big loop. Makes more sense, eh?

6.)Clocks. They are never right. I have six clocks in this house and not one of them has the right time. Want to know the time?Check the computer....( clocks.....)

7.)Leftover mac-n-cheese. We ain't even going there. My god...I should call Sherman-Williams, I just discovered a new color of green.

8.)Playing chess. First, you have to be super smart to play this game and if you do play it well then everyone will consider you to be some sort of mental asshole with a deep-seated need to feel superior to everyone else. Stick to checkers, you can hide your brilliance better that way.

9.)Standing on the X at Four Corners, N.M. Yeah, right....the cops can't bust you for that if you're standing in four different states at once...bull.....shit!

10.) Planting Flowers. Just the act of doing so means you are old, married and laying down roots.Don't fall for it, shrubs have been known to induce old age spasms. There is a reason they put flowers in your hands when they lay you in the coffin. Death by daffodil is no joke.

August 23rd, 2016 00:27
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