We are almost 12 hours now into the year 2017. My oh my...what a year 2016 turned out to be. Who could have guessed all the strange and wonderful and sometimes sad events that shaped this past year. But, be thee not deterred, dear reader, as the new year promises to be even more chaotic and frantic. The world slows down for no one. But, let me peek into my crystal ball (fractured, I know...I drop shit these days....)and see what lies around the corner.
1.) The rash of celebrity deaths increases. ISIS blamed. In perhaps one of the most diabolic plots to be unveiled by the Homeland Security investigators, it was found that terrorists were faking heart attacks, accidents and presumably old age related illnesses in an effort to demoralize the American public. After the sudden and tragic loss of "The Beiber", investigators claimed that the three pound brain tumor had been artificially implanted into his head, leading investigators to claim the death was murder. ISIS releases a statement that more infidels will die. Security has been beefed around Richard Simmons who may be the next target in these terrorist attacks.
2.)Donald Trump buys D.C. President Trump has purchased the entire Washington D.C. area and plans are underway to demolish the entire area and erect the new Trump Tower and Government One building. The six thousand floor building will be the largest building ever constructed and will feature the Space Force One docking terminal, the President's newest Boeing built starship, Galaxy Quest One along with housing the entire government offices, senate and house and United States Postal Service. Plans to expand and tear down the Pentagon are scheduled for next month.
3,) Woody Harrelson marries his long-time secret lover. Making him the seventh surprise announcement this year, Woody will marry his long-time secret gay lover Sam Worthington. The couple will say "I do" on the center field mound at Wrigley Stadium in the first televised gay marriage ceremony.
4.) ISIS converted by Pope Ahmed the First. In an all-out effort to bring peace to the Middle East, Pope Ahmed the First has converted nearly all ISIS to Catholicism. Specially manned 24 hour Suicide Bomber Hot-lines have been set up.
5.) Mount Hood explodes. Portland is wiped off the map. National Dead Hippie Day is enacted.
6.)Russians fire Putin. After trying to cheat on "Strike Force- Armageddon", the latest PS4 game, the Russian players got tired of him trying to influence the game's out-come and force him to resign from office.
7.) Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the Harry Potter series has sued the film company for age discrimination. The company, Sony Pictures claims that Radcliffe is too old to play the part. "I'll always be Harry Potter! No one can take that from me!" Radcliffe was heard shouting as he left the courthouse. Plans to replace Radcliffe with an animated version has been discussed. "We don't need some 30 year old playing a kid anymore. We can do it with a computer better." the Executive at Sony replied.
8.)Banghead Syndrome revealed by the AMA. Medical authorities claim that head trauma cases have increased with the use of cell phone use. "Everyone is looking at their phones and not watching where they walk." The epidemic has spread nationwide.
9.)Assassin attempts to kill Trump. Known as the "Poorest Man in the World" Cesar Wang Smith failed to get close enough to the President to throw the bundle of over-due bills with enough force to do any harm to the President. Hauled away in handcuffs, Smith defiantly screamed, "Death to the Rich!" It was learned that Smith had once been a government employee but had been laid off to to budget cuts. The needed income to finance Government One Plaza eliminated 5000 government positions, most in the Customer Service Department.
10.)IRS dismantled. After a lengthy battle to investigate the newly elected President, Donald Trump signs Bill 1040 and eliminates the IRS altogether. "The people will still pay their taxes but, we won't be bothered by those nosy bastards anymore." Trump claims that by eliminating the IRS he will save the taxpayers fourteen billion dollars in government payroll checks. The extra savings will be passed on to build G-One-P.